Self-Esteem…Is It Too Late?

ASK DEBRA: Self-Esteem…Is it too late? I often get emails from readers who have a question or an issue they would like some advice on, and occasionally I have one that I would love to share, knowing that it could help others in a similar situation. I’ve decided to post them on my blog as an [...]

Monday July 27 2009

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ASK DEBRA: Self-Esteem…Is it too late?

I often get emails from readers who have a question or an issue they would like some advice on, and occasionally I have one that I would love to share, knowing that it could help others in a similar situation. I’ve decided to post them on my blog as an "ASK DEBRA" feature. If you have an issue you would like to "ask Debra" about, please email me at Debra@HeartlightGirls.com. I will do my best to respond personally to all emails but please know it may not always be immediate and not always possible due to my schedule.

This email came from a woman in California named Susan, titled "Please help." I am reprinting here with her permission:

Q: My daughter became pregnant at 16, she is now 18, her baby girl is 1 y/o. I feel what I really missed as a parent is giving her self esteem. Is it too late? Is there anything you can offer that I can try? She has moved in with a boyfriend and just not happy with anything in her life and I believe it all goes back to her self esteem, I had the same issues and made the same bad choices until I started working on myself. By then she was mostly grown… please help so we can stop the cycle….

A: Your issue is very common with so many women. Due to our mothers (and theirs, etc) having self-esteem issues, and then having their own daughters, etc., we pass it along from generation to generation until someone like yourself chooses to stop the cycle. I commend you for making this choice.

As you know, raising your self-esteem/self-worth is a process…the journey from years of damaging thoughts and behaviors is an unveiling process, like peeling back the layers of an onion to get to your core essence, or what I call your Heartlight. For me it’s also a spiritual connection to a higher power.

Your daughter’s journey to increase her self-esteem to create a better life for herself has to be her choice…many people make this choice when they are tired of living life as a victim with negative results. While it is her journey, you (and others in her life) can gently guide her to being exposed to more positive things in her life, the first is an awareness the she CAN change her life! She can take responsibility for her thoughts and actions by becoming more empowered and positive, and this will then lead to MORE positive and powerful things coming into her life (we attract what we think about, the topic of my next book). If she hasn’t yet seen the movie The Secret, it might be good for her to watch that.

I also suffered from self-esteem issues in my life and made poor choices. My mother did too, so I didn’t have a strong role model in that area. My journey to empowerment came from me saying "ENOUGH!" and wanting to make better choices for myself. My journey included my work with coaches, counselors, empowerment programs, reading, meditation, and prayer, all of it allowing me to know and connect to my TRUE self and God. Everyone has their own best way to find a life of joy and freedom, but this was my way, and the way of most of the other motivational speakers, leaders, and authors I know. Yes, it does take some discipline and work, but in the long run, so very, very worth it!

If she is suffering from low self-esteem, she may not love or respect herself enough to want to do the necessary "work" to build her self-worth. However, she is now a mother of a daughter herself and will become that little girl’s role model. It’s important for your daughter to realize that her issues affect not only her, but her daughter as well. Often that is enough motivation for one to be willing to let go of harmful thoughts and behaviors that no longer serve one’s highest good. I know it was for me when I had my daughter.

Open the door to communicate with her…she may act like she doesn’t need help, but a daughter is like a sponge when it comes to absorbing a mother’s words when they are presented openly and lovingly. Gently make suggestions for more positive influences in her life. Ask her to take a look at what’s negative that might be dragging her energy down. It’s challenging to shift self-esteem levels when we are bombarded by negative energy! Suggest books, classes, and coaching as possibilities. I offer personal one-on-one coaching that could help her, or help you to help her if she is resistant to doing her own. The goal is to develop a more empowered mindset in her, that she CAN take control of her life and not be a victim any longer. This will increase her happiness tremendously.

Susan, know that you are a remarkable mother…your desire to stop the unhealthy cycle is admirable and inspiring. I wish you much luck, and many blessing to you and your daughter.

(Recently I heard from Susan again with an update, here is her email):

Hi Debra

I just wanted to tell you I gave Sara the book you sent (after I quickly read it and cried) I told her how I feel that I missed that lesson in raising her due to my own lack of it, (she was a cheerleader and is very pretty too) and that I didn’t want her to make that mistake with Carly and that even though she’s a teen mom that I trust she can give this lesson to Carly. I told her I am proud of her and I love her and we both sat and talked and laughed and cried and it opened up a new phase for us since she gave birth to the baby a year ago, which has caused so many emotions and changes in our house and our relationship.

So I just wanted to say thank you and let you know how it affected us. She left the house that evening and even ran back in to get the book when she left. I think she will read it and hopefully start to love all the good things about herself since she has been her own hardest critic thinking she’s fat ugly etc..when in reality she is a very beautiful inside and out. I hope she will let her Heartlight shine!

Thank you so much!

Susan Newton RN