With their permission, I’m sharing this article below, with the intention to bring awareness to parents of tweens/teens in the hopes of them taking a more preventative role in building the self-esteem in their children before they are faced with the consequences of not doing so.

Despite the bounty of information at its disposal, mainstream society still doesn’t exactly understand mental illness…

Eating disorders especially end up on the receiving end of frequent stereotyping and misunderstanding — a very dangerous phenomenon, considering how they can quickly turn fatal when left unchecked. College students comprise the condition’s largest demographic, so educating both students and the society they inhabit is crucial for their health, happiness and safety. By no means should one take this article as anything even remotely approaching medical advice. Rather, use it as an introduction to a few facts about bulimia, anorexia, binge eating disorder and EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified). From here, make further inquiries into the realities faced by sufferers and the people who love them. Making an effort to empathize with their plight might very well save lives someday.

1. It’s not just women who suffer: Eating disorders are often stereotyped as the exclusive realm of the ladyfolk — a dangerous mindset preventing male victims from receiving necessary psychotherapy. In reality, between 1% and 7% of college-age men suffer from anorexia, bulimia, binge eating disorder or EDNOS. But the numbers might actually sit higher than that, as stigmas unfairly painting the diseases as inherently feminine prevent them from admitting the problem and seeking out the mental help needed to survive.

2. The staggering majority of female college students diet: Ninety-one percent in fact, regardless of whether or not they genuinely need to be concerned about their weight. Not all diets are eating disorders, nor do all eating disorders manifest themselves as extreme dieting. Such conditions don’t always necessarily stem from a desire to be thin, of course, but overlap does occur. Some cases — though in no way every — do begin life as obsessive dieting, so it is relevant to look at statistics reflecting this.

3. College women are even more vulnerable to eating disorders than one would think: By this point, most people are aware that women between the ages of 17 and 24 are the most likely to be treated for and diagnosed with an eating disorder. In the general public, the statistic posits about 15% of this demographic suffers. But once college factors into the equation, it shoots up to 40%. Hardly surprising, considering the significant amount of stress involved — especially in cases where eating disorders manifest as a coping mechanism.

4. It’s often comorbid with other disorders: In college and the real world alike, eating disorders rarely wreak havoc alone. Anorexia, bulimia, binge eating disorder and EDNOS usually co-exist with depression, anxiety, substance abuse and/or compulsive issues. Oftentimes, the symptoms associated with these conditions are signs of something larger and more serious at play than just problems with diet and nutrition. Social stigmas against anything above a size 6 are only a very minute facet of a far more complex mental health problem.

5. Relationships impact eating disorders: And not just those where one or more partners spout off abusive rhetoric about body shape and size, either. Individuals in unhealthy relationships, whether they be overly clingy or outright physically traumatic, run a much higher risk of suffering from eating disorders than their peers enjoying more stable ones. The depression and anxiety associated with such unfortunate arrangements can trigger these conditions as a means of calming and forgetting the issue at hand.

6. Sexual assault and rape victims are more likely to develop eating disorders: This correlation exists outside of college campuses, however, but the demographic most vulnerable to eating disorders also happens to be more likely to end up sexually assaulted and raped. Thanks to an unforgiving society that shames and guilt trips female and male victims alike, anxiety and depression run rampant. So it makes sense that eating disorders would also plague them at a higher rate, as bulimia, anorexia and the like provide immediate (albeit unhealthy and nonviable) comfort for a persistent problem.

7. Binging and purging may correlate with previous suicide attempts: At least one study suggests that eating disorder victims engaging in a binge-and-purge pattern are more likely to have previously attempted suicide. Those with anorexia are more likely to suffer from suicidal thoughts. Again, a broader study sheds considerable light on the experiences of a smaller demographic. Because of the staggering amount of college students crushed beneath eating disorders, it makes sense that many of them would suffer from the accompanying suicidal ideas and behaviors as well.

8. Nutrition facts can actually trigger victims: Newsweek ran an article about eating disorders on campus in 2009, opening with a particularly poignant perspective most people — in college or otherwise — might never consider. For the eating disordered, seeing campuses publicly display nutrition facts run the risk of triggering trauma during the recovery period. Those whose conditions manifest themselves as obsessive dieting and calorie-counting are especially vulnerable, as exposure to such information reminds them of their destructive obsession. Harvard University removed calorie count cards from its dining halls out of respect for its disordered students.

9. A staggering amount of victims vomit, resort to extreme diets and/or use laxatives: Whether suffering from bulimia, anorexia, EDNOS or some combination thereof, 38% of college students (both male and female) have forced vomiting, used laxatives and/or extreme vomiting in order to lose weight. Researchers think an increased emphasis on combating obesity might influence their harsh decisions, although plenty of other issues — such as the previously-mentioned depression, anxiety and sexual violence victimhood factor into it as well.

10. A fringe eating disorder movement actively encourages the disease: Neither the Pro-Ana nor Pro-Mia movements typically go out and recruit members, but they do dangerously encourage disordered eating habits. Most — but not all — adherents are either in college or of college age, and the philosophy paints the truly horrifying disease as a lifestyle choice to be accepted rather than a mental illness to be treated. Communities both online and off trade “thinspiration” pictures, advice and encouragement for the fastest (and oftentimes most devastating) weight loss tips. It’s an extremely destructive mindset, one colleges must take more seriously and address more often.

11. Binge eating disorder is a real thing: Most individuals and organizations typically think of bulimia and anorexia when the subject of eating disorders crop up. But binge eating disorder — an often overlooked member of the family — can also cause serious problems during the college years (and beyond). Stemming from the exact same anxiety, depression and stress as conditions seeking thinness, BED instead involves taking in too much food as a coping mechanism.

12. Twenty is the most common age of onset: Around 86% of bulimics estimate they first experienced symptoms at age 20. Between the ages of 16 and 20, the number drops to 43%. By freshmen year, between 4.5% and 18% of female and .4% of male students start classes with a history of bulimia, compared to 1% for women with anorexia. Once again, the reasons behind why this happens are as varied as the victims themselves, though the dangers remain the same.

13. Anorexia and bulimia kill more than people realize: Between 10% and 25% of anorexia patients die because of complications arising from the condition. The full recovery rate of eating disorders in general sits at a sadly low 60%, with 20% only partially coming back and 20% never healing at all — or making only negligible progress.

14. Race might have an effect on how eating disorders manifest: Research published in the International Journal of Eating Disorders noted at least one difference in the way weight loss-related eating disorders occur in white and African-American female college students. Many members of the latter demographic typically struggled with real weight and size problems and suffered worse the more they absorbed themselves in mainstream society. Their Caucasian counterparts rarely experienced onset because of a preexisting weight condition. Both, however, frequently exhibited the signs and symptoms of depressive, anxiety or compulsive issues alongside their eating disorders.

15. Online intervention might be a valid prevention option: For the harried, college-aged eating disordered, an online psychiatric regimen might very well pique their recovery. Developed at Stanford University, the online program sought out high-risk women — specifically, college-aged women — and effectively prevented many from slipping into anorexia, bulimia or EDNOS. Participants with a BMI at 25 or over did not develop any eating disorder symptoms after 2 years, compared to 11.9% of their peers. Amongst women already suffering the early stages, 14% ended up diagnosed with an eating disorder within 2 years, compared to 30% of nonparticipants. The program, consisting of reading materials, moderated discussions and daily journals, might very well fulfill a valuable role on college campuses and beyond.

"It's What's Inside That Counts" - Beauty's Secret (Heartlight Girls Book 1)

Recently I had an opportunity to spend some extended quality time with my mom. She lives in another state so it was a special treat for both of us.  What I most enjoyed was seeing the shift that had taken place within her, a new peacefulness I had not seen before. Challenged by many years of anxiety and emotional pain due to a lifetime of low self-worth, she had lived in two worlds – the world she presented externally and the other she lived internally. Now, through a gradual evolution of self, it seems these two worlds have merged, offering her much-welcome congruency and peace…and for that, I could not be happier.

And so I wonder, what could her life have been like had she found this peace earlier? Or what would her life be like next week or next year if she had never found it? And what would my childhood have been like had she had this stronger sense of self that she could’ve role modeled to her children?

My own journey of self-love and respect didn’t begin until my late 30’s, and was (unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on your perspective!) self-taught through challenges and life-threatening experiences (to hear more of this journey, watch my video HERE). My mission, and what I feel is my purpose in life, is fueled by the passion to help as many girls as possible to have healthier and less dramatic ways to learn to love and respect themselves – including helping mothers who can then themselves be happy, balanced, and emotionally-healthy role models for their daughters.

So on this upcoming holiday where we honor our ever-important and deserving mothers, I urge every mother to also honor herself, and not just on Mother’s Day, but every day – and in doing so, you will also teach your daughter a very important life lesson. As mothers, we want the best for our family, of course; yet that is often translated into giving so much of ourselves that who we are and what we need gets neglected. We feel overwhelmed, our issues remain unresolved, we struggle with our own feelings of disconnect and inadequacy, and very often, at some point we don’t even recognize ourselves anymore. How can we be good for our family if we are not good for ourselves?

Know what’s important to you. Check in. Find ways you can find yourself. Ask for help. And take time to ask yourself the important questions (those are not the “What shall I make for dinner” questions), and then be sure to listen for the answers. My daughter has accepted the fact that her mommy needs “quiet time” even when she’d much rather prefer me to be attentive to her. Any guilt I have about doing this is alleviated when I remind myself how important this is, for by taking care of me helps me to be a healthier caretaker and role model for her.

This Mother’s Day, I send my love, appreciation, blessings, and utmost respect to all mothers -and to my own special mom, know how proud I am of you and how much I will always love you.

Denver-area Moms! Celebrate Mother’s Day with a special girl(s) in your life! Join us Saturday, May 7, from 1:30-4:30 pm at the Brown Palace for a “Mommy & Me Tea: A Mother/Daughter Self-Esteem Experience!” CLICK HERE for more information and to register.

Having heard Demi’s name mentioned in the news, my eight-year-old daughter’s ears perked up and she exclaimed, “I love Demi Lovato! What are they saying about her?” Not wanting to completely taint my daughter’s image of this perpetually big-grinned teen star, I explained to her that Demi struggles with feelings of low self-worth and will sometimes do harmful and negative things to herself. My daughter, finding it difficult to understand how this confident-appearing favorite of hers could ever suffer from low self-esteem, responded, “But, Mom, she always looks so happy and sure of herself!”

 Demi’s disclosure on her issues is yet another example that “having it all” does not guarantee happiness or love for ourselves. I found that out during the years I personally spent working in the modeling and acting industries, and learned that true feelings of self-worth can only come from within (to hear the whole story, click here). This is the message I so passionately teach our girls.

Many don’t yet know what cutting is, so I wanted to bring awareness of what it is and offer preventative measures so it doesn’t become an issue in YOUR life.

Much like the “Mean Girl” trend, cutting is  increasing as an unhealthy self-harmful “trendy” behavior, especially with girls. Self-harm typically starts at about age 14, but more cases of kids as young as 11 or 12 doing it show up daily. As more and more kids become aware of it, more kids are trying it.

When a girl “cuts” herself, typically it is self-inflicted straight-line cuts with a sharp object, often parallel like railroad ties, carved into forearm, upper arms, and sometimes the legs. Some girls cut words into themselves, like if they’re having body image issues, they may cut the word ‘fat,’ or if they’re having trouble at school, it may be ‘stupid,’ ‘loser,’ or a big ‘L.’

Self-injury is a coping strategy for feelings of low self-worth and unhappiness. Parents often mistake cutting for suicidal behavior, but psychiatrists believe that self-injury has an effect similar to cocaine and other drugs that release endorphins to create a feel-good feeling. Children in emotional pain cause physical external pain to themselves so they won’t feel their internal pain as much.

And much like a drug addition, cutting typically escalates over time, with more frequent episodes and more cuts each time, because it takes more cutting to get the same relief.

Self-injury begins as a defense against what’s going on in a child’s internal and external life. If emotions and situations feel overwhelming, if they have failed in an area of their lives, of if they struggle for self-identity, this is a way to get “control” and blunt their emotional pain. Very often, girls who self-harm also have an eating disorder and tend to be sensitive, perfectionists, and overachievers.

Our work as mentors of children, and my mission in the work I do with girls, is preventative. Just like keeping our bodies healthy daily with good sleep and nutrition to ward off sickness, we want to daily nurture our own/our child’s self-esteem. And in this case, little things CAN make a difference!

We make choices every day how we handle difficult situation and how to help our children cope with the pain they are experiencing. If a child tells us she feels hurt for others teasing her, we can tell her that she is too sensitive and needs to get on with things, or we can listen to her and see what it is others are saying which is causing her pain. If she says she is unhappy or feels unloved, we can tell her to stop complaining and appreciate all the good things, or we can ask her to explain why and learn from her. If she tells us she feels judged by the comments we make, we can tell her she takes things too personally, or we can listen to her and try to be more accepting and less judgmental.

Be mindful and aware every day. Your responses to what may seem to you like a trivial thing could lead to either empowering her or leading her to seek other ways to numb her pain. Don’t wait to be proactive until she experiences mood changes like depression or anxiety, out-of-control behavior, changes in relationships, communication, and school performance – by then, she is suffering and in pain, and looking for ways to cope with that pain.

Children face so much today, and their emotional capacity to handle things is still immature and vulnerable. Whether they act like it or not, every child needs a strong support system to empower them “from the inside out.” 

It’s getting to be that time of year again when we give up some play time to scramble to get ready for back-to-school. With all the busy preparations, don’t forget the most important one you can do for your child is to begin a new school year with a strong sence of self and healthy self-esteem. With a child being bullied every 7 minutes today in our schools, this proactive element could never be more essential!

To help you empower your daughter and build her self-esteem, I invite you to join me on a free teleclass I’ve been asked to give by the Global TeleClass Network.  I’m honored to be featured along side such inspirational legends as Mark Victor Hansen, T. Harv Eker, Bob Proctor and many others. Below is a description of my class on August 25 – be sure to sign up early as space is limited! And also check out all the other classes offered – all free for you to enjoy from the comfort of your home.

Stay posted as Heartlight Girls brings you more for back-to-school to be “empowered from the inside out!”

I often get emails from readers who have a question or an issue they would like some advice on, and occasionally I have one that I would love to share, knowing that it could help others in a similar situation. I’ve decided to post them on my blog as an "ASK DEBRA" feature. If you have an issue you would like to "ask Debra" about, please email me at Debra@HeartlightGirls.com. I will do my best to respond personally to all emails but please know it may not always be immediate and not always possible due to my schedule.

This email came from a woman in California named Susan, titled "Please help." I am reprinting here with her permission:

Q: My daughter became pregnant at 16, she is now 18, her baby girl is 1 y/o.  I feel what I really missed as a parent is giving her self esteem.  Is it too late?  Is there anything you can offer that I can try? She has moved in with a boyfriend and just not happy with anything in her life and I believe it all goes back to her self esteem, I had the same issues and made the same bad choices until I started working on myself. By then she was mostly grown…  please help so we can stop the cycle….

Dads, your positive influence in your daughter’s life is essential to her self-esteem and her future relationships. In my book, Beauty’s Secret, A Girl’s Discovery of Inner Beauty, the main character’s dad innocently teases her about her eyes, only to have Beauty become self-conscious about them, especially in the self-questioning teenage years. I wrote this in because my dad liked (and still does!) to tease me, it’s just his way fo relating, as it is with so many dads. But often I believed it as truth, especially when the insecurities rose. It was only when I learned my own truth of who I truly am that I was able to step back from this and see it was his way of showing his love. My goal with girls is to have them learn this same truth about themselves at a much younger age than I did, so they don’t have to carry any false belief (whether it be planted from a parent, teacher, or peer) about themselves into adulthood.

So, dads, please know that your daughter is paying attention to everything you say and do, and that you mean the world to her (even though she may not act like it sometimes!) By helping her to build her self-worth though the formative years, you help her to make future wise choices and set her up for a lifetime of inner security and happiness. And for that, we thank you, and for your committment to your daughter’s well-being. And Heartlight Girls, if you can, give your dad an extra big hug this Father’s Day! My dad lives in another state, so I’m sending him an energetic hug and saying, "Love you Dad! And thanks for the lessons!"

I would’ve been shocked to see this at 2:00 AM, yet to see this with my daughter at 8:00 PM in the evening not only angered me, but actually saddened me. I was able to stand there with my daughter and talk her through it, but I thought about all the girls out there (and boys, it’s confusing for them too!) who didn’t have parents present or concerned enough to buffer and/or clarify what they were seeing. We, as adults, can discern time and place appropriateness of such things, yet it’s no wonder our girls, who see similar wardrobes on their Barbie and Bratz dolls, are desensitized to the blatant sexuality of it all. And then they want to copy the look in their own wardrobes! And worse yet, the behavior. And to top it off, even our favorable sweet characters like Dora the Explorer and Strawberry Shortcake are now getting sexy new makeovers.

So what are we, as parents, to do? Ideally it would be to change the media and what is shown on television, especially during “family hours.” While one of my goals with Heartlight Girls is to create this change, it’s a long and lengthy process. In the meantime, we have to work on an individual level with our children.

As a first and obvious step, be sure to monitor how much TV your child watches and, very importantly, what they are watching. Try not to let them watch unknown programs unattended. Let them know that just because they see it on TV, it’s not reality or how the world is (or should be). Hey, even the so-called “reality” shows are not reality! Teach them that certain things on TV are done/said only to get a laugh, increase ratings for the network, or sell a product for the advertiser, and chances are, might not be appropriate behavior.

Since we can’t count on TV to provide us with healthy role models for our kids, it’s even more crucial that we become good role models for them, as well as consciously surrounding them with other positive role models. Our children can have positive influences in their lives, it’s just up to us to be mindful and take the time and energy to provide them with those.